


Thoughts

by Blahhh, Feli_X



Series: Liaisons [9]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Comfort, Crying, Dark Past, Dialogue Heavy, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fear of Death, Fluff and Angst, Frustration, Gentle Kissing, Guilt, Heart-to-Heart, Internal Conflict, M/M, Mortality, No Smut, Polyamory, Sad with a Happy Ending, Sleepy Cuddles, interfacing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-05
Updated: 2018-10-05
Packaged: 2019-07-25 14:40:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16199612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blahhh/pseuds/Blahhh, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Feli_X/pseuds/Feli_X
Summary: Connor and Nines are still in their hotel when Gavin makes a call to tell Nines he choked himself and almost passed out. Nines opens up about his fears concerning human's lifespans and Connor shares his own struggles with his past.





	Thoughts

Connor's in his boxers and Hank's sweater, a large flat book that was left in their room by a previous occupant on his lap. He's trying out origami, it's amazing how one can create such detailed creatures and objects from a single square of paper. He settled on attempting to make a crane and if done correctly, he should be able to pull at its beak and tail to make the wings flap. If Connor is successful, he shall give it to Hank when he arrives back home. 

Having to face Markus' group for their duties earlier had been nothing short of mortifying but thankfully there was only a little teasing. Nines seemed pleased with himself for making him be so loud... _His friend can be quite cruel sometimes..._ Connor smiles a little with a dry chuckle. 

He watched a movie with Hank, though Connor spent more time looking at his human than he did their shared screen. _He would likely have difficulty explaining its plot if questioned about it._

Connor keeps reminding himself. Three more days... Three more days and soon three shall be two, then one and he will finally be home. He plans on lifting Hank up for a cuddle, his partner will fuss but it'll be worth it. The android chuckles to himself again, cheeks warm and starts working on the pocket folds, taking his time to neatly crease the paper and make it as perfect as possible. 

Connor's immersed in his work when he hears RK900's breathing grow in volume, harsh and shallow. He looks up to see if his friend is masturbating but Nines is on his feet, eyes wide and flicking side to side. His eyebrows pull together and his lips drawn into a thin line, hands balled into shaking fists by his sides. It makes Connor nervous.

"...Nines?"

RK900 looks at him for a moment before moving toward the bathroom, looking back to tell him in a firm tone. "Disable your audio processors."

He frowns, confused and concerned. "Why? Is everyth-"

Nines snaps at him, looking back as he pulls the door open and everything intimidating about his friend is amplified. " _NOW._ "

Connor blinks but does as he's told. The vibrations of their door slamming reverberates through the mattress and he looks down at his hands. His chest feels tight and Connor glances back up to the door anxiously, eyebrows furrowed and he sighs. _He can not hear it._

He attempts to continue with his crane - distracted - and tears the paper by accident. It doesn't matter, he bought a pack of colorful paper squares to practice with but he doesn't feel like making it anymore. _What made Nines so angry...? Or upset? Or both..._

It must be something to do with Gavin... Not much affects RK900 but Detective Reed can greatly influence his friend's mood. He's been aware of that fact from how elated Nines becomes upon his partner waking and the way his energy rapidly depletes when Gavin leaves to sleep. 

Connor's shoulders slump and he places his torn attempt at a crane in the trash before resting the book on their bedside table. He rubs his fingertips together and stares at the door, wishing he knew what was happening behind it. _Is Nines Okay...? Is Gavin Okay...? Are his friends... His partners Okay?_

It feels like such a very long time before RK900 exits their bathroom and his expression has Connor's thirium pump aching deeply. There's dampness on his friend's cheeks, eyes a little more silver than grey and there's a hurt emptiness that Connor has witnessed on Hank's face numerous times.

Nines does not acknowledge him and instead bends down to remove a handful of cigarettes and a lighter from his suitcase. Connor is slightly baffled and watches RK900 move outside onto the balcony, posture dejected as he leaves. The world is still silent as Connor gets to his feet, fingers fiddling with the tassels on his sweater as he apprehensively goes to follow Nines outside. 

He's very worried, swallowing down the nervous lump in his throat as Connor lifts the curtain out of his way to step onto the cold concrete. _Is Gavin Okay?_ He thinks so... He hopes so... Did he get hurt at work? Please say he didn't... If Hank were hurt, Connor would've been notified wouldn't he? Nines would tell him if Hank were hurt... Surely if Gavin were hurt Nines would be in worse shape than this... _He feels a little sick..._

RK900 is sat on the floor wearing his grey lounge bottoms and a white shirt, a lit cigarette between his fingertips. The smoke blows toward Connor on the wind and he recognizes it as Gavin's preferred brand. Connor opens his mouth, unable to hear himself but asks Nines, feeling the vibrations in his throat. "May I turn them on again?"

Nines looks up, expression sullen and it would seem his friend had forgotten he'd asked him to do it in the first place, RK900 nods weakly before returning his line of sight to the floor of their balcony. Connor turns his hearing back on and the quiet buzz of traffic below trickles back in as he sits next to his friend, wondering how and what to ask. 

He opens his mouth, waiting a few seconds before asking and the fear of Nines' answer crawls around his chest. "Are Gavin and Hank Okay?" 

Nines sighs and gives an empty, dry huff of amusement before nodding slowly, bringing the cigarette up to his lips, the end burning red. Connor feels relief to hear their humans are Okay but his friend is clearly not. 

"Are _you_ Okay, Nines?"

RK900 looks up, eyes wandering as smoke trickles from between his lips. He nods once before shaking his head then shrugs, looking back down. _Well... That was helpful._

Connor moves a little closer, just to have his upper arm touch to his friend's and spends a while sitting in silence with him. Four more cigarettes lay on the floor between them alongside a red lighter. Connor picks it up and strikes the flame, it flickers in the wind. He places it back down exactly where it was before and looks at Nines again. "Do you want to talk about it?"

His friend inhales deeply before leaning back to rest his head against the wall, expression shifting between hurt, anger, sorrow, betrayal and back again. Nines sucks on the cigarette, looking at it before sighing out the smoke. "Gavin decided to choke himself... "

Connor stifles a whine of distress in his throat, back stiffening and thirium pump clutching in his chest. "H-he's Okay though? Right?"

Nines nods slowly, breathing slightly labored. "Yes... though apparently he almost passed out... I... He could've... I..." His friend sighs and shakes his head, shoulders slumping as he trails off. 

Connor tucks his arm through Nines' hoping the closeness will help his friend, not make things worse. _Why would Gavin strangle himself... Connor understands he has his kinks - as do they - but it's so dangerous..._ He gently squeezes around Nines' arm. "Talk to me."

RK900 sighs hard and looks over to him, exhaustion and pain on his features. "You will not like what I say. Neither will I."

He forces out a small smile, eyebrows still knitted in concern and sure his LED is flicking between red and yellow, much like RK900's. "That doesn't matter Nines. If you need to talk then do so, please. You're my friend, even more so. I care for you."

Nines brings the filter to his lips again before brushing it across the balcony floor, sparks caught in the wind as it's extinguished. He drops it over the side and looks down at himself. "Very well..."

Connor brushes a thumb across his friend's arm, waiting patiently and listens. The first words already stab at his chest and he leans a cheek against Nines' shoulder.

RK900 speaks slowly, voice strained. "Gavin could have died today... He could've died, and I would have spent the last eleven days of my lover's life in fucking _Russia_... I... What am I doing here? I will have wasted two weeks of Gavin's finite life on another continent by the end of this... I will never get this time back..."

Connor's throat goes tight and he leans in against Nines, thirium pump aching at the very true words. _He has lost time with Hank also..._ He can't speak and liquid gathers along his lashes as RK900 continues. 

"Markus, North, Josh... None of them understand, their lovers are also androids and provided we upgrade ourselves... Our lives may never end but our humans... They _will_ die one day, it's inevitable and I feel sickened to know I have wasted some of that precious time..."

Connor feels tears dripping down his cheeks, breathing labored at Nines saying out loud thoughts that have plagued his own mind. _He should've denied Markus' request..._ "You're right... We shouldn't be here, I'm so sorry..."

He feels RK900's head rest atop of his and hears a faint sniff. _Is he crying...?_ "I am not blaming you Connor, this is not your fault... You asked me to talk and I am voicing my thoughts..."

Connor nods, swallowing hard and presses his side firmly against Nines' as he waits for his friend to continue. It takes a minute but Nines speaks quietly above. "It made me think... What will I do if... No, _when_ Gavin passes... Connor, I am unsure if I could live with such agony. It already hurts to be apart from him and that is with the reassurance I will have him in my arms again... Without that, without Gavin... I don't think I could continue."

Connor holds tight to RK900's arm, more tears welling up and running down his cheeks. For the first time during their trip, Connor is trying his hardest not to think about Hank. Nines' voice grows rough, static leaking in. "I may not even get to spend all of the years he has with him... Humans are so fragile. We can be replaced, transferred, upgraded... The world is already full of dangers and the risk on Gavin's life is increased in our line of work... I... I'm so scared of losing him..."

Nines sits back up and Connor looks over to see saline openly running down his friend's cheeks as he picks up a cigarette, choking out a humorless chuckle. "Even these... These disgusting things, they heighten his chance of an early death and Gavin is so fucking stubborn if I asked him to stop, the stupid man would smoke more!"

His friend scoffs in distress, throwing it back down. "I tried to correct his diet at first, he was practically surviving on takeout, so I bought only that in hopes of Gavin realizing how it affected his health. How he was lazier and out of breath, blood pressure increased from eating such garbage but no, he found it _amusing_."

Nines' lip trembles, brows pulled tightly together and breathing hard. "I already endure all of this... This _poison_ and he tried to choke himself! Why must the man I love be so intent on destroying himself... Does he not realize the pain it causes me? Does he not care? I love him so much, so much and he almost killed himself."

Nines' posture slumps again, squeezing his eyes shut. "But... I wasn't there to help him. Gavin would have died because I wasn't there to look after him. I do not know why he is so self destructive but I do know I can help..." RK900 looks at him, tears still spilling over. "Gavin could have died Connor and I would not have known until another found him... I should've been there to protect him from himself..."

Connor sniffles quietly as tears trickle out, overwhelmed and can only part his lips to speak before closing them again, trying to think of the words to help his friend. "Well... There have been advances in medicine... You know Cyberlife has developed technology to eradicate cancer cells, they're only in the test trails but they were successful... If that did happen, Gavin would be able to receive treatment."

Nines looks down at the cigarettes again and sighs quietly, rolling one across the surface with his finger. "True..."

Connor puts his hand over RK900's and squeezes it. "And please don't blame yourself Nines... Gavin has changed so much since he met you. I remember he used to be so... Nothing mattered to him, except his work of course but everything else... It was as if he wanted the whole world to hate him and since meeting you he has gotten so much better, more tolerant, less angry at everything. Gavin's happier, because of _you_. "

Nines squeezes the tips of Connor's fingers curled beneath his palm in return and forces a half-hearted smile. "Thank you..."

The smaller android clears his throat and Connor uses his free hand to dry his cheeks of tears. _A temporary fix._ "You're good for Gavin and things will keep getting better, I know so... Hank was self destructive too... My second night knowing Hank and the first time seeing him in this unit I found him passed out drunk on the kitchen floor... He..."

Connor pulls in a breath, chest hurting at the memory. "He was playing Russian Roulette and passed out before he could pull the trigger again. The next chamber had a bullet in it..."

Nines blinks, face falling in sadness. "I was unaware..."

Connor nods, throat tight but he tries to keep his voice steady. "It's not something I would ever share under any other circumstance, if you would please keep this between us."

"Of course..."

Connor has a moment of dry, sour amusement over being in Russia of all places discussing his human's old _hobby_. He pulls in a slow breath. "But Hank did it again after the revolution, more than once... But not since April. I've come home to him passed out again a few times since then but it's become less and less frequent. I would not have left him alone to do this otherwise... My point is, it gets better. Hank is better. _Gavin_ will get better, because he has you."

Nines nods slowly and wipes a hand over his face with a sigh. "Thank you Connor... I... I needed to hear that and I'm sorry Lieutenant Anderson has experienced such hardships... As you say, he seems much better now. I shall endeavor to fix my human as you did yours, you really do have a pure soul RK800."

Connor is touched by Nines' words, chest warm to know he helped, that Nines cares for his partner's pain, that Hank is better... However he weakly scoffs at the end of RK900's sentence. _Pure is hardly a word he would use to describe himself..._

He shakes his head and Connor pulls his hand back, looking down at his palms before resting them in his lap. "I am not pure, Nines. You didn't know me before, the things I've done certainly cast aside the word _pure_ a long time ago."

Nines tilts his head, concern on his features and conviction in his voice. "If you're referring to being a deviant hunter, you were programmed to do that Connor. It was not your choice."

He huffs out softly, hanging his head. "Perhaps..." Connor looks up and continues, deciding to open up to Nines. He's only talked about this with Hank before... On bad days, the days where it eats at him... The days he sees their faces before they were hauled off for decommission, to be disassembled and picked apart. "That's why I chose my birthday to be November sixth rather than my activation date... It was the start of my journey toward deviancy, meeting Hank, realizing I could be free... But it still doesn't change the fact that I have killed people Nines... People like you and me, just for wanting freedom."

Connor wraps his arms around his legs, resting a cheek on his knees with a sigh. "Even if I excuse myself as a machine just following orders, I still killed three humans as a deviant during the revolution when Jericho was under attack and then two more at the Cyberlife tower... They were unavoidable, they would have killed us, killed me, but... I still have blood on my hands. They were just following orders like I was, they likely had families... Loved ones... And I took them away."

 _It hardly needs to be said that dealing with the truly awful people in their line of work is not the same as shooting those men._ He tucks his head down, eyes closed and hunches his shoulders up. "I killed a deviant in this unit... At the time it seemed logical, I didn't think twice, I didn't care and I would _never_ change that choice because Hank's life was at risk... But also now I... I can only image how terrified he was, he just wanted to escape, to live... If I had just failed that interrogation... He tried to run and I shot him... How can someone like that be good, let alone _Pure_? I'm nothing short of a monster..." 

Connor's chest hollows out at the memories of hearing himself being used as the android equivalent of the boogeyman in New Jericho. A young girl refusing to give another their toy back and their mother leaning down to whisper. "Well... You know what happens to naughty children, the _deviant hunter_ will come and get you if you don't give it back" The girl gasped, wide eyed as she gave the toy back.

He's grateful Markus never exposed him... No one outside of Cyberlife, Markus' group and DPD know of his past but it hurts so much to hear himself be described that way. To see the fear in that little girl's eyes. Connor wondered, that if she knew it was him, would she run in terror..? _Run from the monster?_

Connor swallows, curling up tighter and makes a startled noise in his throat as Nines lifts up his head, looking at him with a serious expression. "You are _not_ a monster, Connor. You are a good person, you care so much for those around you... You were deviated in the middle of a revolution, you were protecting people you just met because you _knew_ it was the right thing to do. I would have done the same in your position, without hesitation and if you had not gone through with it... Perhaps Markus would have died or North or Simon or Josh. From what I have heard, North and Markus would not have made it without you and if you had not gone to the Cyberlife tower, deviancy might never have been made mandatory..."

Connor sighs. _He's heard most of this before from Hank..._ Nines strokes a thumb over the smaller android's cheek, wiping away tears. "If you had not done all of that... I would have either replaced you or been in the military on the front lines. I never would have met you as you are now, I never would have fallen in love with Gavin or become friends with Lieutenant Anderson. I would never have been able to experience freedom. I would have been nothing more than a machine, an _it_ , cannon fodder. Think of how many androids are free now... I for one am deeply grateful for your actions Connor. I am _alive_ because of you."

Connor bites down on his lip, tears spilling out upon hearing the last sentence. It doesn't _change_ what he did, nothing can change that but, it helps... It helps a lot, adjusts the scales. He can't speak but Connor forces out a slight smile of gratitude, trembling through the sadness before Nines is pulling him into a firm hug. He sinks into it, letting the grief overtake him for a while as he cries. _He cries for the lives he took... The lives he saved... The lives he changed, for the better and the worse._

RK900 holds him throughout it, gently rubbing his back and doesn't relinquish his grasp until Connor is leaning away himself. Connor sniffs but nods, silently confirming he is better and murmurs. "Thank you..."

Nines places a hand on the smaller android's knee, brushing a thumb over the skin. "I only spoke the truth."

Connor leans back against the wall again, pulling the sleeve of Hank's sweater over his hand before wiping away the last of his tears. He reaches up to wipe Nines' cheeks as well and his friend gives a gentle huff of amusement then sits back next to him, shoulder to shoulder. RK900 leans down to light another cigarette, pulling in a faux lungful of smoke before blowing it back out. He explains without prompting. "It reminds me of Gavin, it's soothing..."

Connor smiles, laying his head on Nines' shoulder as he continues smoking, the light crackle of tobacco and paper being burnt away beside him. He threads his fingers through Nines' and they sit in silence for a while before Connor decides to speak again. "My birthday is almost here Nines, but I'm not sure I'm entirely happy about it... It's a difficult time for me, it symbolizes the start of so many good things... But also bad... Usually Hank and I do peaceful things together... We listen to music, watch movies and cuddle..."

He smiles warmly at the memories of Hank and himself close, slowly moving on the spot to the gentle lull of music from his partner's record player. "Sometimes we even dance to some jazz but... Things like that leave a lot of room for thought and you know how our minds work... It's very difficult to just _stop_... I don't want to dwell on these things when my birthday arrives, but I don't know what to do... I want to spend my day with Hank but I need to keep my mind occupied... I don't want to think about those things on my birthday..."

A plume of smoke gets caught in the wind, blowing forwards then snatched away. There's a moment of silence before Nines speaks, thoughtful. "Perhaps Lieutenant Anderson and yourself could come and visit? I could purchase a bottle of Blue Rush, the one at home is almost empty... The four of us can have our own private party, have a drink and spend the evening together... If you think that would be appropriate of course, I do not wish to place further stress on your birthday if your partner drinking will worry you..."

Connor smiles at the idea, chest warm. _It sounds lovely, the four of them together for his birthday._ "It is a special occasion and Hank truly does have more control over himself now... Honestly it sounds wonderful Nines. Yes, I would like that very much, Thank you."

Nines squeezes his hand and Connor feels a kiss pressed atop his head. "It's decided then. I shall begin planning for your birthday and I promise to make sure your mind will be occupied my dear prototype."

Connor smiles at the pet name again and lifts his head, an eyebrow raised slightly. "I admit, I'm a little surprised to hear you have a bottle of Blue Rush, Nines. I find it difficult to picture you drunk."

His friend chuckles softly. "I've been inebriated at home with Gavin a few times, I... You understand my need for control Connor but with Gavin I feel comfortable, safe and relaxed. The same applies to yourself and Lieutenant Anderson, I am able to be myself in your company."

Connor gently bumps his side against Nines' and smiles at him. "I understand and it means a lot to hear that, I'm excited to spend my birthday with the three people I love."

RK900 nods and hums in thought with a light smile. "I'm certain it will be quite the evening to remember."

Connor beams. _He's looking forward to his birthday now._ Nines finishes his cigarette and picks up the ones left along with his lighter before standing up to head back inside. Connor follows, happy to be out of the cold and sits himself on their bed as RK900 tucks the remaining cigarettes back into his suitcase. 

Nines walks back over to sit with him, pressing a gentle kiss to his lips before laying down. _He still tastes of Gavin's cigarettes... That must make his friend happy._ Connor leans himself over to hug across RK900's chest, waiting a moment before asking. "Can we interface Nines? Not for sex. I would just like to be in your company entirely, if you would be comfortable with that?"

His friend smiles and Connor feels RK900's hand slip up beneath the back of his hoodie, resting on his spinal column. There's the light thrum of Nines' offering to interface and Connor accepts it. Their thoughts, sensations and emotions merge. Melancholy is twisted deep in them both but the presence of another in such a raw form is reassuring. 

Connor contemplates what he will do when he gets home. He wants to lift Hank up, hug him as firmly as his body will allow and kiss every inch of his partner. They will make love and be close again. Sumo will be given treats - chicken - and they will spend a good portion of their following day at the park. Connor will buy new toys for their Saint Bernard and return to cooking for his human. He will make sure those salads are delicious and persuade Hank to have them more often. 

Nines finds his thoughts pure and endearing, affection radiating throughout their link, but feels a little shame when comparing it to his own plans of reunion with his partner. Connor can see flashes of RK900's thoughts. To place a limiter on himself for Gavin to struggle against him, the same level as his human because Gavin will grow weaker as he fights. That he will kiss his lover's throat before he begins in apology for not being there to stop it from happening. That he will take out some his frustrations in their scene as he wrestles his human into submission. That he will idly threaten Gavin's life during intercourse and find deep arousal in doing so. 

Connor isn't bothered by any of this, merely a little surprised at the intensity of their planned scene and speaks privately through their connection. _"What you and Gavin do, it works Nines. Don't feel bad, that's what you told me, remember? It's all fantasy and if you and Gavin love doing this... Which I can clearly feel you do... Then there's nothing wrong with it, I can feel how much you adore him. Besides, you know I have similar kinks... I'm not going to judge you for them."_

He can feel Nines' relief and deep gratitude at his words alongside the faint ache in his chest again at Gavin's actions. Connor mirrors this. He cares for Gavin and wishes nothing but the best for his friend, hopefully one day Nines' lover will see himself as a friend too. RK900 continues with his thoughts as Connor lingers upon his own. 

It's reassuring, freeing and Connor notices the passing thought from Nines that in the future, when _that_ inevitable day comes, when it'll be only himself and RK800, perhaps they can find solace in one another. That they can try and continue on with each other to hold together the broken missing pieces of their lives. Connor holds him tighter and hopes Nines can see he feels the same way. 

The thoughts drift away, neither of them wish to dwell on it, there are decades ahead of them yet and instead they turn to their reunion again. Connor considers booking a restaurant, a simple one. Hank's not fond of extravagant things... Perhaps a picnic would be better suited, his human sometimes feels weird to be the only one eating in public. They could bring Sumo. 

Nines receives a message from Gavin, Connor sees it through their link 

G : _Hey Nines I still can't sleep. I was thinking of seeing if Hank wants to fuck around?_

N: That sounds like an excellent idea, my Love.

G: _K. Talk soon_

N: Have fun, my Love.

Connor feels a deep wave of warmth and happiness go over him, smiling into Nines' chest. Their lovers are likely to have sex of some kind tonight... It's so amazing that Gavin's going to do so of his own volition and Connor feels RK900's pride for Gavin taking the steps on his own. He can't help the tight tingle of arousal in his abdomen but he lets it simply reside, not wishing to act on it. Their humans are developing their own bond, friendship, closeness and they will be in each others company. Hank will help Nines' lover and Gavin will help his. _They will be together._ It makes joy clutch at his thirium pump.

He smiles at the term of endearment his friend uses for Gavin and at how deeply Nines means the words. He truly adores Gavin and Connor's own chest aches alongside RK900, longing for their partners. A thought slowly makes itself known and they silently agree upon it as they disconnect from their interfacing, initiating a countdown for sleep mode. 

Nines leans down to press a few chaste kisses to his lips, lingering and affectionate. When they part, Connor rests his head back on RK900's chest before his friend is saying, in a perfect imitation of Hank. "Good night Con."

His chest swells with so many emotions upon hearing the words and Connor says quite a strange sentence as an android himself, emulating Gavin's voice. "Good night Tincan."

**Author's Note:**

> Another heavy chapter but there will be a minimum of four more light chapters before another one comes along.
> 
> Blah and I spent a while working out Connor's actions in the pacifist run for him to have died once for his birthday to be in November and for that death not to impact badly on public opinion while having the best relationship with Hank possible with those factors.  
> Shooting the deviant made up for not having the opportunity to save Hank on the roof, he still saved Hank's life.
> 
> Hopefully Connor's crazy drunken birthday makes up for the sadness in this installment but this is something I had to write. 
> 
> Things may change and chapters may be added as I get ideas but the next will be Nines/Gavin's reunion  
> Then Nines teaching Hank about BDSM and Connor mentioning Hank having an interest in getting a bit of what Connor got at the hotel (double trouble, Bottom!Hank)  
> Next day is Connor's birthday (Drinking, truth or dare, Nines thinks he's the funniest fucker in the world, Connor thots about as per usual and general humor/stupidity)
> 
> Thank you for Comments and doubly so for Kudos. They fuel me <3


End file.
